Rescue Dating
For the Perfect Search
by Melinda Maximova

Does your relationship need a revival? Just like an outdated living room, hairstyle or outfit, relationships can need makeovers too. If you are stuck in a relationship rut of passionless lovemaking, grunting communication, and grouchy interaction then perhaps you need to stage a relationship intervention.

As with any major overhaul, a relationship makeover will require that you have a plan. The following 4-step relationship makeover plan will help you get out of your current rut so you can repair, refresh and regain the feelings you had for each other when you were newlyweds. You’re never going to be newlyweds again but, in the way that an image makeover can make you feel years younger, a relationship makeover can make your relationship feel years younger too. The 4-step relationship makeover plan will help you revitalize your sex life, rejuvenate your communication, reconstruct your routine, reclaim your optimism, revamp your look and replenish your love so that you and your lover can enjoy the benefits of a well-seasoned relationship with out sacrificing the sparks that come from a new one.

4-step relationship makeover plan:

1. Take the relationship assessment quiz
2. Set relationship goals based on results from the quiz
3. Develop a relationship plan with measurable objectives to reach the goals
4. Relationship process evaluation

Step 1: Relationship assessment quiz

You cannot fix something unless you understand the problem. Understanding the problem requires assessing areas of need. The following relationship assessment quiz will help you identify areas that need making over. If you answer “no” to any of these areas, then you have identified an area of need.

1. I am happy with the frequency and quality of our sex life
2. I feel understood and listened to by my lover
3. I have fun when I am with my lover
4. I am excited about the future with my lover
5. I am visually attracted to my lover
6. I feel loved, appreciated and valued by my lover

If you answered “no” to any these questions then you need to improve those areas of your love life that are in the acronym, S-C-R-O-L-L.

S-sex, C-communication, R-routine, O-optimism, L-looks, L-love

Step 2: Set relationship goals based on results from the quiz

Once you have assessed and defined problem areas in your relationship you can then set relationship goals to repair the problems. Every relationship will have different assessment results. Using the above relationship assessment quiz we will create examples of relationship goals to improve all of the areas in the acronym, S-C-R-O-L-L.

Example relationship goals:

1. We will revitalize our sex life by increasing the frequency and quality of intimacy
2. We will rejuvenate our communication by sharing engaging topics and using active listening when problem solving
3. We will reconstruct our routine in order to shake up the current doldrums of day-to-day life
4. We will reclaim our optimism by creating a plan for our future
5. We will revamp our looks by giving each other an image make over
6. We will replenish our love by impressing each other with kindness, competence and chivalry/caring

Step 3: Develop a relationship plan with measurable objectives to reach the relationship goals

Based on your relationship goals create measurable, targeted objectives to help reach each goal. Think of objectives as steppingstones to reach goals. Objectives should be measurable in order to evaluate success. If you are unsuccessful in reaching your goal, then you will need to create new objectives until the goal is reached. The following objectives are examples for reaching each sample relationship goal.

Goal 1: We will revitalize our sex life

Objective 1: We will shop for sex toys together
Objective 2: We will make a sexy video
Objective 3: We will role-play 5 favorite fantasies

Goal 2: We will rejuvenate our communication

Objective 1: We will implement conflict resolution strategies when discussing 5 disagreements
Objective 2: We will interview each other about 5 intimate experiences
Objective 3: We will alternate playing therapists for 5 sessions each

Goal 3: We will reconstruct our routine

Objective 1: We will play music and light candles with wine instead of TV at least one night a week
Objective 2: We will sleep in the spare bedroom, or on the living room floor together, at least once a week
Objective 3: We will meet downtown for dinner before coming home at least once a week

Goal 4: We will reclaim our optimism

Objective 1: We will create a long-term financial plan
Objective 2: We will plan 10 things to do, or places to go, before we die
Objective 3: We will each sketch our dream vacation house

Goal 5: We will revamp our looks

Objective 1: We will buy each other a new wardrobe
Objective 2: We will select a new hairstyle for each other
Objective 3: We will join a gym and work out together for weight management

Goal 6: We will replenish our love

Objective 1: We will cook a candlelit dinner for the other, or wash the other’s car at least one a week
Objective 2: We will give each other a massage once a week
Objective 3: We will send a loving message to each other every other day

Step 4: Relationship process evaluation

Evaluating your relationship makeover plan is essential for measuring effectiveness. If each objective you created is measurable it should be fairly simple to determine if you are meeting them. Whether or not the objectives are helping to meet the goals however will need some further assessment. After completing each objective go back and re-take the relationship makeover assessment quiz. If you still answered “no” to any of the questions then you will need to rework your objectives to reach each unmet goal. If the answers have switched form “no” to yes” then you have accomplished your relationship makeover and your intervention was a success. If one of you is not willing to collaborate on the relationship makeover you may be in a situation where, much like a house that needs repair, a complete tear down is logistically more feasible than a remodel, and you may need to move on to another relationship with someone who is more willing.

Embarking on any behavioral change requires a plan and a systematic approach. The older people get the harder it can be to change. With age people become rigid, inflexible and set in their ways, relationships can be the same way. Your relationship makeover plan will need to include disposing destructive patterns and replacing them with fresh new approaches and attitudes. You will have to get out of your comfort zone and shake up the status quo. Although conducting a relationship makeover may cause chaos in the beginning, much like enduring messiness before a house remodel is complete, in the end your makeover results will speak for themselves. You may not be newlyweds anymore but you can sure look and feel like you are again.

Most readers have been counseled their whole lives to avoid the rebound relationship. The fact, however, is that the older you get, the less time you have to waste if you want a family and marriage. Falling in love after a break up can be the best thing that can happen for a broken heart. My philosophy is, why wait? Even if you go out and blunder in your first few tries, you will learn from your mistakes and may just luck out and find someone really great. Love heals pain. Why be miserable and lonely if you don’t have to be? The next one doesn’t have to be a rebound love. It can be the one.

If you want a long-lasting, committed relationship, you have to get beyond the first date—for some that’s easier said than done. And if you want to get beyond the first date, you have to be likeable. It is really that simple. The goal of the first date should be to get to know the other person and secure a second date, but most importantly, you can’t do either unless you are likeable. The following list of verbal and non-verbal likeability factors will help you remember the qualities that you need to be likeable on your first date so you can succeed in securing the many more dates needed for a long-term relationship.

Verbal Likeability Factors

1. Listen - Active listening is more powerful than passive listening. Active listening means engaging, paraphrasing, nodding, smiling, interjecting sounds of agreement or emotion and responding to the topic at hand. Paraphrasing shows an understanding that you are listening. The greatest failure to communicate is caused by silence. Silence can be taken as a sign of indifference, unwillingness to commit, or lack of acceptance.

2. Interest - Showing genuine interest in the other person involves asking questions relevant to the topic to draw out more information about their life and feelings. We are all essentially ego driven and are attracted to those who express interest in us. Using a person’s name in a conversation is a good first step in showing genuine interest. It may sound simplistic, but hearing your own name grabs your attention and indicates the person has taken the time to remember and is speaking directly to you. As Dale Carnegie reminds us in “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” nothing is sweeter to a person’s ears than the sound of their own name.

3. Attitude - People are attracted to optimists. Optimists are flexible, inventive and even playful in responding to challenging situations. They are able to handle assertive behavior in others and have an attitude of openness to and curiosity about new ideas, new experiences, and new possibilities in life. If feelings of anxiety or insecurity do present themselves, optimists aren’t intimidated or overwhelmed, since in their eyes, accepting, managing, and rising above them are all attainable. Quite simply put, people naturally want to be around optimists more than pessimists.

4. Self-disclosure - Self-disclosure means sharing your experiences, thoughts, and goals with another person. The more self-disclosing you are to the other person, the more likely it is that the person will like you. The more you share with another person, the more they will trust to share with you. If someone is self-disclosing and you do not reciprocate, they will feel over exposed and vulnerable. Conversations should be reciprocal with self-disclosure after each topic. Remember, the first date is a time for both of you to get to know more about each other.

Non-Verbal Likeability Factors

1. Posture - Physical attraction is just that—physical. An attractive physique is reflected through good posture and by keeping fit. Someone who makes the effort to stay fit shows that they plan to remain attractive throughout their entire life. A likable posture is one that is relaxed, erect and well balanced, with a purposeful, non-aggressive walk, indicating confidence, grace and ease with one’s self.

2. Dress - Dressing in well-fitting, stylish and appropriate clothes is essential for dating. Women care about fashion and will notice what men are wearing. If you don’t have a clue about current fashion, notice what other attractive people are wearing and simply copy them. Shopping is necessary, and your wardrobe should reflect that you are current, modern and not stuck in your ways.

3. Touch - Appropriate touch shows affection, confidence and warmth. Placing your hand on the other person’s back while walking, or a light touch on their arm, lets them know you are drawn to them and care about their well being.

4. Eye contact - Eye contact shows that you are interested in the person and find them appealing. Smiling with your eyes shows genuine warmth, openness to communication, involvement and feedback. People tend to avoid eye contact when they are not interested in interacting with someone.

5. Smile - Nothing says I like you and want to be near you more effectively than an engaging smile. Smiling while you talk shows that you are enjoying your present company and have the ability to enjoy the humorous aspects of life. People are drawn to humor and optimism and seek to be around someone who has curiosity for new ideas and new possibilities in life.

Being likeable also includes being a good conversationalist. Dating should not be work. No matter how attractive you are, if the date feels like work, there won’t be a second date. Initiating a conversation and working to keep it flowing takes effort. Even the most natural extroverts will tire of always having to be the initiator. Those who are naturally outgoing have learned to take the conversation responsibility and will usually throw out a new topic when there is a stall in the discourse. Introverts often rely on this and can become lazy, always depending on the extroverts to handle this role. It is important that both parties evenly assume the responsibility, so that the conversation is balanced. If you are a natural introvert, you must study the following conversation starters and put yourself out there like never before, or you will wear your date out on the first date and never secure a second.

Dating Topics: All topics on a first date should remain positive.

• Talk about things you are good at doing

• Express confidence in your abilities and skills

• Talk about dreams, accomplishments and future goals

• Learn their dreams and goals for the future and plug them together

• Share past memorable, life-changing moments

• Share a significant experience

• Share something you are looking forward to doing

• Discuss favorite places, hobbies, and pastimes

• Talk about concerts, events or sports you enjoy

• Emphasize the importance of being a loving, caring person

Safe Topics to Discuss on a First Date

• Vacations

• Career

• College

• Family

• Hobbies

Topics to Save for Future Dates

• Politics

• Religion

• Money

• Previous Relationships

Examples of Conversation Starters: (Interject your own answers after each of these)

Do you get much vacation time?

Where do you like to go?

Do you travel much?

Where have you been?

Do you ski/ like the beach, etc.?

Where is your dream place to live?

What is/are your goal(s) for your future?

What is your position at work?

What career path did you take to get this position?

Where would you like to go from here?

What is your ultimate career/family goal?

What was your mother/father’s career?

Previous generations/ Family history

Where did you grow up?

Where else have you lived?

Which place was your favorite?

How did you decide to go to your college?

Were you happy with your decision?

What is your family heritage?

How did they end up here?

Were you close with your grandparents? Parents?

What did they do for work?

What were your family traditions over the holidays?

What do you like to do for fitness?

When is the last time you participated in your sport?

Did you play sports growing up?

Are you a sports fan?

When the last time you saw a game?

Dating Dos and Don’ts

The responsibility for chivalrous behavior falls squarely on the shoulders of the man during the first few dates, but once the relationship develops, it should even out and the woman must reciprocate all the sweet things he did for her at the beginning.

Who Pays?

Women don’t have to offer to pay on the first date, but should offer on the second or third, depending on the equality of salaries. If he makes four times more than she does, then she should offer every fourth date. If they make equal amounts, then she should offer to pay half the time. It is only fair.

Don’t Have Sex Too Soon

Casual sex was one thing at age 24, but it is quite another thing at 44. You can find a casual lover for emergencies but don’t sleep with someone you want to pursue seriously until he really starts to fall for you. It can ruin the relationship before it even gets started. Men want to run away after sex if they aren’t emotionally hooked. And for many women to truly enjoy sex, they need to feel an emotional connection. It is much better to wait and allow time to get to know each other and establish the emotional connection first. Then if the sex isn’t perfect, you’ll have enough feelings for each other to want to improve. Otherwise, you are both rated on pure sexual technical skills, and if it doesn’t live up to each other’s standards, you’ve blown it.

Three Date Rule

People should go on at least three dates. Alcohol plays a significant role in first dates, and it isn’t fair to judge someone after one nervous encounter. A date should not be a test. It should be a way to get to know someone and get the other person to like you. You can decide later if you want to pursue it further, but the date should bring out the best in your partner by making them feel wanted. A date should be a measure, revealing if this is a good person and whether you would like to have a second date. Don’t think too far ahead. After the second date, think, would I like to have a third date, etc.

Women Don’t Want Jerks

It is a myth that women want men who treat them poorly. Women want kind and confident, with a hint of mystery. They want chivalry, but they don’t want needy. Biologically, women have always needed men who could protect and provide. It is instinctual. But in today’s society, this translates into wealth or an attraction to alpha males. Women are similar to men in the fact that both like a bit of a chase and challenge, but they also don’t want to feel like they are being played. A man should express interest but attempt not to call too often, just often enough to keep her intrigued.

How to Break It Off

The right way to decline a second date is to say you don’t think there is enough chemistry to pursue it. This prevents any rejection from becoming personal—after all, what can he say to you if you aren’t feeling the chemistry? Never burn bridges, keep the bad energy to a minimum, and always walk the high ground.

First Date Checklist

1. Clean car/apartment

2. Agenda/plan

3. Look sensational and dress appropriately in modern, well-fitting clothes

4. Hygiene immaculate and smell great: Brush your teeth and your tongue

5. Positive and optimistic attitude

6. Arrive on time

Attractive Behavior

o We want to spend time with people who are fun and make us laugh

o Less opinions, more conversation

o Less complaints, more appreciation

o Great listening and warm affection

o Exhibit confidence and leadership

o Care about safety

o Complimentary

o Little gifts, notes or phone calls

o Active and proud interest in career, friends, activities and desires

o Call when you say you will

o Display good manners

Dating 101 Summary

A person will sum you up in the first three seconds of meeting you and make sweeping judgments about you based entirely upon your looks. Look sensational on a first date. Wear something that is modern, well-fitting and shows your assets in the best light. Hygiene should be impeccable, and you should hold yourself with a calm, erect and confident air and convey an optimistic, positive attitude. Remember, a first date should not be work. It should be fun. The conversation should flow in an easy and equal pace of mutual self-disclosure about light, fun topics that make you both smile. Men should be chivalrous, and women should be forgiving of any missteps or misspoke words. Don’t have sex too soon and never burn bridges. In the worst-case scenario, after the date, you’ve made a friend; best case, you have met the love of your life and there will be many more future dates on the horizon.

For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com

As a VIP matchmaker with Perfect Search, I have had many clients who are divorced with kids and trying to date again.  Whether the children are small toddlers, teenagers or adult children, the question remains the same.  “When do I introduce my kids to my date?”

There are many different viewpoints for navigating this delicate situation and many ways to get it wrong.  The best way to get it right is to introduce the prospective mate as nothing more than a platonic friend. Teaching your kids how to have platonic friends of the opposite sex is always a good lesson, and by removing the romantic aspect, the stress and pressure from the introduction is alleviated from the start. Additionally, being able to watch the potential boyfriend, or girlfriend, interact with your kids helps determine how smoothly they would assimilate into the fold of the family.

I had one client who was dating a woman for an entire year before he had the courage to introduce her to the kids.  By the time he introduced her they already had a full-fledged, serious relationship and were ready to move in together. The kids were shocked.  They were jealous and felt betrayed that they were just now finding out. How could their father keep such a secret from them?  They had a hard time being objective about the new girlfriend and gave her a chilly and lasting cold shoulder.  If you wait until after you’ve fallen in love before introducing the kids it can feel like dropping a bomb on them. “Oh, kids, by the way, we are moving in with Mr. Scary-New- Guy and I know you don’t know him, and have no idea who he is, but he is great and is going to be your new step father”.

If you begin dating someone you really like, you should introduce him or her to your kids merely as a platonic friend.  The kids will have nothing to worry about.  It is just a friend. Don’t hold hands or display any behavior that would contradict this and then you will have the luxury to stretch it out until you have determined this person is a real keeper.  Your kids will have the opportunity to develop a relationship on their own with the “friend” and then will be delighted when dad, or mom, announces the friendship has now developed into a romantic relationship and their parent no longer has to be alone. By bringing the “friend” around family events, the kids have the opportunity to go to movies with them, watch TV together, and cook dinner with the “friend”. The “friend” can establish their own relationship with the kids making for an easy transition from “friend” to happy family.

So, when do you introduce your kids to your date? Whenever you feel like this person is a keeper. When do you introduce your kids to your “friend”?  Better sooner than later.

For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com

Send $15. and I will answer any relationship, sexual or dating question. I will spend up to 1/2 hour on the question.