Do marriage ultimatums work?
Marriage ultimatum
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“Can I have a few days to think about it?” he asked cautiously.
With in a week he packed his bags and moved out.
How successful is the ultimatum? Can you really force someone to marry you, and would you even want to? Marriage proposals are often the make or break threshold in a relationship and as tempting as an ultimatum can be, they are rarely successful.
My candidate felt she had no choice. She and her boyfriend had been living together for 5 years and she wasn’t getting any younger. She wanted to start a family and at age 38, felt her biological clock ticking. It would only be harder to start a family with a new man after 40. Most couples want to enjoy the relationship for a few years before bringing kids into the picture and after 40, the risks run pretty high. Men can start families at any age, whereas a women’s fertility has an expiration date. My candidate wanted to get married and she wanted a family, soon. She was hoping it would be with her boyfriend but needed to know if he was worth the wait. She considered searching for another potential mate while still with her boyfriend, but what if he found out? He would never want to marry her then. Who wants to marry an unfaithful woman? On the other hand, she didn’t want to wait silently for the proposal year after year watching her youth slip away, waiting for a guy who just wasn’t that into her. So she posed the ultimatum, “Marry me or else!” And he chose the “or else”.
I’ve had countless clients come in to share their experiences with ultimatums. Usually it is the men who are presented with the pressure and usually it is the men who decide to leave. One client of mine loved his girlfriend dearly as they were so compatible in every way- except in bed. He wasn’t sexually attracted to her. He wasn’t into her body type and worried that if she looked this way now, how would she look after a couple of kids? It was a painful dilemma for him because he didn’t want to hurt her and wanted to do the right thing and be her night-in-shining-armor and give her the wedding she dreamed, but he just wasn’t sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. It really came down to that.
Another client was confronted with an ultimatum and forced to choose. He had great sex with his girlfriend and was very attracted to her, but she was such a pessimist and every thing had to be just right for her to be happy. She was constantly complaining over the smallest things and often had migrain headaches. His girl friend was a real “Debbie downer” and yet he didn’t want to give up the great sex. He kept postponing the issue saying how this wasn’t the right time for one reason or another but promised that in several years they would discuss it. He knew full well that he did not want to marry her because he couldn’t imagine spending the rest of his life with someone so gloomy. As a sunny, optimistic guy he had big dreams for the future and quite frankly, she didn’t fit in. Eventually the fighting over a marriage proposal broke them up and he did finally move on.
Another couple I introduced through Perfect Search, my VIP matchmaking service, had been together for three years. They had both recently survived bitter divorces and vowed to never get married again. They were a perfect match since neither wanted marriage. But as often happens, feelings change and the woman started to want to get married after a few years into the relationship. She wanted to be more than just his girl friend and wanted his family to respect their union as husband and wife. He had no idea about her change of heart and wouldn’t have even thought of getting down on one knee because he would assume she’d decline. She decided to propose to him instead. She picked a romantic evening and presented him with all the reasons why she thought they should get married and expressed her heart felt love for him. He was shocked. But also extremely honored and flattered, and after a few days to process the idea, bought her a ring and suggested a date. They are now happily married.
There is a fine line between giving an ultimatum and letting someone know that you are ready to get married. I agree that women who want marriage should not remain stagnate in a relationship that is not moving forward. I also agree that women should not secretly shop for a new boyfriend while simultaneously living with a man. Infidelity is hurtful and if your going to shop for a new guy you have to be brave enough to be with out the old guy. But I also don’t think that dragging a man to the altar works to anyone’s benefit. I have had many clients who have blamed their past divorces on ultimatums. “I married her because she made me, but I was never emotionally invested”. No woman wants that kind of marriage.
The right way to handle an idle relationship is to let the other person know that you would like to get married and the reasons why. Make sure you don’t want the wedding more than the man. Then give him a week to think about it and let him present you with his response. It will either be a marriage proposal of sorts, or a counter reason as to why this is not a good time. If it is the latter, she needs to determine if his reasoning is rational and legitimate, or if he is just stalling for time because the truth of the matter is, he may not want to spend the rest of his life with her. It is really that simple. If she feels he is stalling, she needs to get out and get out quickly. Time is of the essence and women in their late 30s who want children don’t have time to spare.
For more information, contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search
Send $15. and I will answer any relationship, sexual or dating question. I will spend up to 1/2 hour on the question.
