Arguing 101: 6 steps to conflict resolution
Conflict is a healthy part of relationships. It can encourage change and make you aware of weaknesses in 
order to improve yourself. If handled effectively, conflict can actually help to clarify relationship issues and help you both reach common goals with more creative results. It is how you handle the conflict that can become dysfunctional. The goal is to manage a conflict constructively, resolving issues you can, diffusing those you cannot, and knowing when to accommodate, because after all, the relationship should be more important than the issue.
The hardest obstacle in conflict resolution is controlling emotions. If we were all rational and logical, there would be very little conflict in our lives. The reality is we are emotional beings and when we are in love, we can become overwhelmed with the powerful feelings generated from the conflict. Our greatest challenge is learning how to effectively control our emotions so they don’t interfere with resolving the conflict.
Anger is perception, not fact. Anger is your experience and is caused by the ways in which you interpret the experience. Events and people around you do not cause anger. For example, if you hit a series of red traffic lights while driving, happily engaged in conversation with a loved one, the red lights will not have the same affect on you as they would on a Friday after work, during rush hour, driving while exhausted. In this view, you have the power to control your anger, and can only hold yourself responsible for losing your temper. Your reactions to situations determine your anger and your anger determines the success of the resolution process.
Often if you give yourself time to cool down, you can better measure whether it is the issue rather than the person that is making you mad, or weigh the consequences of reacting, verses letting it roll off your back. So, cool down, yes, but complete avoidance of a conflict is not the best solution. The silent treatment only prolongs a conflict, and simply avoiding a conflict altogether can make the issue fester and re-appear in a different form. Minor issues can sometimes resolve themselves, but more often than not, a conflict requires attention.
How important is the relationship and how important is the goal? These two questions determine whether you should initiate a conflict resolution process or not. Whether you want to diffuse, accommodate or resolve a problem, the importance of the goal and the importance of the relationship are the determining factors. If one person is not invested in saving the relationship, or if the goal is not that important to them, then the other is fighting an uphill battle and you will not be able to successfully resolve the issue.
Steps for constructive conflict resolution
1. Identify the common goal
2. Define the conflict
3. Listen with out interruptions
4. Re-state their position
5. Make a plan of action
6. Identify pitfalls and how you will fix them
Step 1: Identify the common goal
Find the common goal you both share. Take your focus off the conflict for a moment and focus on an agreed upon goal. You can’t change the past, but you can move beyond the conflict toward reaching the goal. If one person wins and the other loses, only partial satisfaction has been produced. It may solve the problem for the moment, but resentment and bad feelings can cause more problems later. The ultimate goal should be a win/win result where both sides benefit.
Step 2: Define the conflict
Tell your side of the problem, including your feelings and interpretations of what happened in a sequential format. People will interpret the same issues and circumstances in different ways and you should not assume that the other person sees things from your perspective. Be aware of selective perception when defining the conflict. This is selectively remembering what you want to and revising your memories to fit your preferences. The more you become convinced of your views, the more information is filtered out, and the more you feel you are right.
Rules for defining the conflict
1. Keep the sequence of the events
2. Describe actions with out using labels
3. Explain your feelings as well as facts
4. Be self-critical
Step 3: Listen with out interruptions
Real listening means not planning your response while the other person is talking. In their mind, they are right and they are defining the conflict based on their perception, not necessarily the objective facts. Again, the purpose of the resolution process is to resolve the conflict and reach the common goal, not determine who is right or wrong.
Rules for Listening
1. Do not interrupt
2. Create empathy for the other person’s position
3. Look for areas of agreement
Step 4: Re-state their position
Now define the conflict from the other person’s position. Paraphrase what you think they have said. Honestly try to put yourself in their shoes. This is a defining moment. In the heat of conflict, you may view your loved one as a powerful, uncaring jerk who is trying to purposefully hurt you. This is the worst possible interpretation to what they are saying. By verbally expressing their viewpoint you can create true empathy for the other person’s feelings and position.
Step 5: Plan of action
Make a plan of action to end the conflict. Brainstorm. Come up with as many ideas as possible. Suggest alternative outcomes based on different actions. Select a win/win solution. The conflict ends when you and the other person reach an agreement and a position is adopted for the common goal. In this way, conflicts are turned into opportunities to grow and make things better than before.
Things to identify in your plan
1. The actions that trigger the conflict
2. The ways in which you will act differently in the future to prevent a repeat of the conflict
Step 6: Identify pitfalls and how you will fix them
Someone is bound to stray from the plan so it is important to have a monitoring component. Identify the potential pitfalls for failure and set up a Plan-B for what to do if Plan-A fails.
In summary, events and people around you do not cause anger. Anger is caused by the ways in which you interpret the experience. Conflicts are a part of relationships and can encourage change if managed constructively. The goal of a healthy relationship is to resolve conflicts that are important, diffuse those that are not, and to know when to accommodate, because the relationship is more important than the issue. By using the 6 steps for conflict resolution you can productively solve your conflicts while keeping your eye on the common goal for both.
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