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by Melinda Maximova

July 2, 2009

Cougar party

Filed under: Dating, Matchmaker, Men, Relationships, Sex, Women, girls, love, romance, singles — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 1:25 pm

Single cougars from all over America will converge on Silicon Valley on August 28th at 9pm for the National Single Cougar’s Convention Ball. The event will crown a Miss Cougar America in a contest for 40- plus, single woman and is held in Silicon Valley, a metropolitan area with a surplus of young, urban, professional, men suffering from a shortage of women.

Why do single women approaching 40 find themselves drawn to younger men? The sex is hot and youth is gorgeous. But the not-so-obvious answer is that women see their reflection aging in the mirror and they don’t want to see it in others. People want to attach themselves to something they miss and a younger man represents the youth women fear losing, and the fun they may have already lost. When women were 25, an older man was more attractive. He was strong, confident, paternal and powerful. But as a woman ages she views older men as a little tired, boring, perhaps and, grasping at youth, pathetically, just like… Well, she sees herself and doesn’t like it. People are attracted to youth because it is fun, sexy, and exciting.

I caution these women to remember that younger men grow up and as their guy ages, he too starts to look south when he approaches 40. The 25-year-old girls admiring him will start to look pretty good to your used-to-be younger man and your cougar ways will no longer work. If you are looking for a, no-strings attached, fun, sexual relationship with a hot younger man then keep your perspective and don’t fall in love with your freshly netted cub. It is a fling, and unless you want your heart to be shattered, you must remember that it is just a fling. If you are looking for a long-lasting, committed relationship, consider an older man as an option. No matter how old, when men are in love, they morph into a 17-year-old boy. 50-year-old men still think they are 28 and if a woman inspires her older man she will get the benefits and wisdom from his age and also all the energy and passion of a 28-year-old.

Cougar parties have been featured by The San Francisco Chronicle, East Bay Express, and KRON TV.

Cougar Ball location: Dinah’s Garden Hotel, 4261 El Camino Real, Palo Alto CA 94306

Tijana Srdanov of Shezoom, produced, The Cougar Craze: Cougars in Action. Cougars and their cubs discuss going out and getting what they want.

For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com


July 1, 2009

Neglected women

There is an expression men often fling around in humor, “For every beautiful woman, there is a man who is tired of F______ her”.


Well, touché, here is an expression for those men: “For every neglected woman, there is another man wanting to F____ her”. Take your woman for granted and she will be drawn to the affections of other more attentive admirers. Men may stray because they are craving someone different, but women stray when they are feeling neglected at home. Women love the attention of suitors and become accustomed to it in our teen years and 20s. When this affection disappears she will easily be sucked in by the adoration of other, more amorous wooers.
So for all you men who have grown bored with the same ole, same ole, you better figure out how you can spin her to refresh your libido because neglecting her will only be inviting other “snakes in the grass” to do your job for you. And they will. Oh yes, they certainly and willingly, will!

For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com


June 26, 2009

Dating with kids

As a VIP matchmaker with Perfect Search, I have had many clients who are divorced with kids and trying to date again. Whether the children are small toddlers, teenagers or adult children, the question remains the same. “When do I introduce my kids to my date?”

There are many different viewpoints for navigating this delicate situation and many ways to get it wrong. The best way to get it right is to introduce the prospective mate as nothing more than a platonic friend. Teaching your kids how to have platonic friends of the opposite sex is always a good lesson, and by removing the romantic aspect, the stress and pressure from the introduction is alleviated from the start. Additionally, being able to watch the potential boyfriend, or girlfriend interact with your kids helps determine how smoothly they would assimilate into the fold of the family.

I had one client who was dating a woman for an entire year before he had the courage to introduce her to the kids. By the time he introduced her they already had a full-fledged, serious relationship and were ready to move in together. The kids were shocked. They were jealous and felt betrayed that they were just now finding out. How could their father keep such a secret from them? They had a hard time being objective about her and gave her a chilly and lasting cold shoulder. If you wait until after you’ve fallen in love before introducing the kids it feels like dropping a bomb on them. “Oh, kids, by the way, we are moving in with Mr. Scary-New- Guy and I know you don’t know him and have no idea who he is, but he is great and he is going to be your new step father”.

If you begin dating someone you really like, you should introduce him or her to your kids merely as a platonic friend. The kids will have nothing to worry about. It is just a friend. Don’t hold hands or display any behavior that would contradict this and then you will have the luxury to stretch it out until you have determined this person is a real keeper. Your kids will have the opportunity to develop a relationship on their own with the “friend” and then will be delighted when dad, or mom, announces the friendship has now developed into a romantic relationship and their parent no longer has to be alone. By bringing the “friend” around family events, the kids have the opportunity to go to movies with them, watch TV together, and cook dinner with the “friend”. The “friend” can establish their own relationship with the kids making for an easy transition from “friend” to happy family.

So, when do you introduce your kids to your date? Whenever you feel like this person is a keeper. When do you introduce your kids to your “friend”? Better sooner than later.

For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com


June 11, 2009

June bachelor of the month

The June, bachelor of the month is live and ready for votes on Perfect Search’s, interactive web channel.Perfect Search bachelor of the month After viewing 3-minute video clips of the featured bachelor, and the women who want to meet him, the channel allows viewers to vote and predict who will be the best match. The winning match is announced at the end of each month.

The Perfect Search, June, bachelor of the month is Brian Gramo, of Santa Monica, California. Brian is 30 years old, 6′2″, 200 lbs, never married, no children and wants both.  He is CEO and founder of Thestream.tv, a live, interactive, web based television program. He is driven, ambitious, busy and extremely open minded.  He is ready to start a family soon and wants to get married.

Emily Morse is one of the women hoping to be matched with Brian.  Like Brian, Emily is driven, ambitious, busy and open minded.  She is a radio talk show host on Alice, 97.3 FM out of San Francisco, California on Sunday nights at 9 pm.  Her show is called Sex With Emily and listeners can alternatively tune in to her sexwithemily.com website for streaming broadcasts.  Emily never married, has no children and lives in both San Francisco and LA.

Carolyn Schuster is another candidate featured on the channel in June.  Carolyn is levelheaded, grounded, and solid as a rock.  Watching her video one doesn’t get the impression that she wants to take a lot of risks, preferring instead to settle down for a simple, stable, “normal” life.  On the other hand, Carolyn is a blond bombshell.  She stands at 5’9” and has the curves of a 1950s movie star.  She is a bridal hairdresser and make up artist and lives alone in San Jose, California.  She has also never married nor has she had children.

Victoria Lee is the final candidate for the June bachelor.  She is an assistant nurse manager for Kaiser in San Rafael, California. She lives with her 18 month-old son and a live-in nanny.  Victoria grew up in Hong Kong in an affluent family and has traveled to over 20 countries.  She is broad minded, multi lingual, world traveled, warm and engaging.  She has a son with an Irish man with whom she is now divorced. She wants more children and is looking for someone who is driven and stable.Perfect Search, Bachelor of the month

What do men really want?  Isn’t that the million-dollar question? Perfect Search attempts to discover this with viewer’s and voter’s help. Check out the June, bachelor and try your hand at matchmaking by casting your vote.

Contact Perfect Search to shoot your video in San Francisco


Want to meet a featured single?

For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com


May 31, 2009

Massage with a happy ending

Last year I went to Thailand and stayed in a suite in the high-end, Conrad hotel. Our amazing room had its own terrace with French doors opening out to the gorgeous Bangkok skyline. The hotel was filled with businessmen staying on the executive level floors and ordering in-room massages.  It is the norm to get massages while in Bangkok.  I wondered if the wives of these executive businessmen knew that their husbands were getting a massage with a “happy ending”.

Is a massage with a happy ending cheating? A massage is therapeutic;  It stimulates the blood and kneads the muscles, and since our bodies are all connected to each of its isolated parts, the happy ending is just an extension of a total body massage, right?  Is having a stranger pleasure you sexually, even in the most sterile way, still considered cheating if in a committed relationship?

I have always believed in fairness and equality between the sexes, so I pose the question to all those Bangkok husbands: Would you mind if your wife got a happy ending from “Sven”, the Swedish massage student? Or would that just be harmless, therapeutic stress release? I decided to do a little investigating to test out the subject and see if a girl could even get a happy ending in the massage world.  San Francisco has a plethora of massage parlors in the Tenderloin district, and Craigslist.org is teeming with massage ads.  So I began a journalistic inquiry into the happy ending massage to see if there was indeed a double standard.

I started my inquisition at a massage parlor on Taylor St.  I read that this place offered $60.00 massages and a wink, wink offer for “more massage” for male visitors who want to pay more.  I was curious to see if a woman visitor would get the same “wink, wink” offer, so I called up and asked.  A woman with a heavy Chinese accent promptly hung up on me.  Although I had no intention of actually getting a happy ending massage, I was just getting info for my story, part of me felt a little miffed by the rebuff and I engaged in a renewed determination to find a service where a girl could get a happy ending massage.  I dialed a few more massage parlors and after getting denied, referred elsewhere, or hung up on, I decided to try my luck on Craigslist.org instead.

Now, this was a massage wonderland. Almost every kind of massage possible was advertised: Thai, Swedish, deep tissue, afternoon delight, four handed massage, hot oil, body psychotherapy, reflexology, man on man, prostate massage, in room massage, half price massage (the economy is affecting everyone) and many, many, happy Asian massages, but not one, “man on woman” happy massage.

Undeterred, I found a few male masseurs who offered in room massages.  Many had websites linked to their Craig’s List ads so I browsed around to select the right guy.  After all, if a girl were going to get a happy ending massage, she would want someone who was relatively attractive, right?  I scanned the photos of handsome masseurs with their very professional websites and oh, my,  I was dazzled. Well- oiled, gleaming muscled, tanned, G-string-wearing, massage therapists who touted their adept, caring hands, were willing to drop everything for in-room service.  This is where a girl could get a happy ending massage, I was sure.

One guy, in particular really caught my eye.  He was 25, from Brazil, long hair, dashingly handsome and a college student.  I dialed his number.

“Uh… Hi. I am looking for a massage?”  I asked gingerly.

“Yes”, he replied in his sexy Brazilian accent.

“I am looking for an in room massage,” I nervously continued.  “I used to have a masseuse who came over to my house weekly but he left the country and I am looking to replace him.  What do you charge?”

“Brazil” wanted to learn more about my needs before he could quote an exact price.  I felt a tinge on excitement.  I think I may have caught my happy ending fish.

“You see”, I explained, “my previous masseuse would give me a full body massage and would follow with a…you know, happy ending.”  There was long silence.

“What do you mean?” Brazil asked.

“Well, I mean…Um…Pleasure me… sexually”.  Longer silence while I bit my lip.

“Oh, no.  I don’t do that,” Brazil explained. “But I can give you nice a face massage.”

A face massage?! Was he kidding? I don’t know how much Brazil has learned about women in his short 25 years of life, but a face massage is not a happy ending.  I thanked him politely and we both, uncomfortably, hung up.

There really does appear to be a double standard when it comes to happy endings in the massage world.  Apparently men can get a four handed, hot oil, happy ending, including a prostate massage, while a woman gets a facial. Of course, I didn’t really want to do it, but at least wanted to know if I could.

Men have erotic services peddled to them everywhere in San Francisco, and at the drop of a hat.  Smiling girls, or boys, depending on their whim, will pleasure them for a price.  For women however, it isn’t so easy.  I thought San Francisco was a city of equality.  I thought women and men shared the same rights, opportunities and options, apparently not in the ‘sex for sale’ business.

So, for all those wives of executive businessmen in Bangkok, I say, put your foot down.  I don’t care how sterile and therapeutic the happy ending is, if the wife can’t end her day on a happy note from her, well-oiled, Brazilian, masseuse, then her husband shouldn’t either.  After all, what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com


May 28, 2009

15 questions to ask before getting married

Before considering marriage, or getting seriously involved in a relationship, one should really check references, much like a Checking Referencesprospective employer checks references for a job applicant.  Think of all the time, money and heartache that would be saved if everyone got the real story from a former wife or ex boyfriend.  After all, checking applicants’ references is one of the most important procedures in the hiring process for a job.  Is marriage really any different?  Get the goods on a mate before you tie the knot. Qualifying a fiancé’s attitude, skills, and attendance record before taking a serious plunge shows due diligence on your part and will protect you from being a next, ex husband or ex wife.

Before embarking on your 3rd party inquisition however, be sure to inform your “honey bun” that you will be checking references and will need the phone numbers of at least three past lovers before the relationship can expand.  This either scares them away at the onslaught, or insights an instant recount of all past relationships citing their side of the story. Let them know that you will be verifying basics such as sexual proclivity, finances, and domestic duties, looking for discrepancies. For example: How did he/she contribute to toilet washing, credit card expenditure or initiating sex?  These are all fair questions with telling results. Don’t forget the most important question of all, would they marry someone like that again? You can determine a lot from this answer and don’t be too shy to pry.

You can also use former neighbors or in laws as references too. If your fiancé is dragging their heels on passing out an ex’s number, contact the ex mother in law, or ex’s best friend.  I am sure they would both be more than happy to spread some light on the topic.  Remember, there are always others who were familiar with the past relationship and can provide a reference if you have trouble contacting the ex directly.

The following are 15 critical questions to ask your fiancé’s ex

  1. What was their fidelity record?
  2. What were their domestic responsibilities?
  3. Did they come home promptly after work or were they frequently late?
  4. Did they drink or do drugs behind your back?
  5. How would you rate their fiscal responsibility?
  6. Can you evaluate their sexual performance and frequency?
  7. Did they get along with your mother?
  8. Did they supervise the children effectively?
  9. How did they handle pressure and stress?
  10. What did they accomplish while with you?
  11. How would you rate their communication skills?
  12. Were they a team player?
  13. How did they respond to constructive criticism?
  14. Why did you split?
  15. Would you marry this person again?

For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com


May 20, 2009

Hard to match men: Matchmaker case study

My clients are men. High powered and successful men looking for love. They have been superstars in their financial lives and are searching for the best in their love lives. They hire meMan Alone to actively recruit beautiful, intelligent and grounded women into my candidate pool for screening. They hire me to find their perfect wife. Some are first timers, looking to start a family, and some are second timers, divorced and starting again. But either way, both are looking for their perfect woman. For the most part, the fruits of my labor pay off and my clients find their ideal match, but on occasions I come across hard-to-match clients whose quest for perfection sabotages any real chances for finding love.

Shooting too high

One of my clients, Bob, was a casualty of shooting too high. Bob was 59 years old?- with balding tufts of grey hair above his ears. He had grown children, didn’t want more and was searching for a woman under 34. Ignoring the fact that these women were half his age, and ignoring the fact that most women under 35 still want children, Bob insisted that I contact every woman in my pool within this age bracket for his match. After hundreds of successive rejections from 25-year old women Bob still wouldn’t consider a women I presented to him in her 40s. She was beautiful, slender, educated, and a Jennifer Aniston look-a-like, but Bob wasn’t interested. She was too old.

Men who are shooting too high have unrealistic expectations. They are a solid “6” in the looks department and are searching for a perfect “10”. The woman who is a perfect “10” however, is also searching for her Mr. Right and a 60 year old guy who is a solid “6” doesn’t fit the bill.

Another example is a client I’ll call Mitchell. Mitchell wanted a young, healthy, energetic, girl in her 20s who was optimistic, open-minded, physically fit and sexy. The problem was that Mitchell was 50 years old and 50 pounds over weight. Mitchell wanted his perfect girl, yet couldn’t see the reflection in his mirror was not the 24 year old he perceived himself to be. Mitchell waited and waited, year after year for his healthy, energetic 24-year old girl until at age 55, he still hadn’t had children and still hadn’t found his young, athletic, wife. No woman who ever liked him was ever good enough, and every woman he wanted was far too good. Mitchell was always the uncle, and never the father.

Quitters

One of my clients, Jay, was a serial “Quitter”. He said that he wanted a woman, but would dismiss a date after the first mistake. Any misspoken word or red flag and he was “out”. He had no time to waste on a less than perfect woman and was not willing to compromise or forgive any faults. Dating takes effort and Jay’s effort lacked any real energy. He had become accustomed to his solitary life at home and his routine of working, going to the gym and playing on his computer, and a woman didn’t realistically fit into his lifestyle. He was intolerant of flaws and would rather be alone than settle for less, or compromise with a real woman with a real past. He had learned to satisfy himself sexually through pornography, and his computer became his sexuality. He was dating but his heart wasn’t into it unless a woman fit his ideal fantasy.

Fortunately, the Bay Area creates a perfect pool to recruit ideal women. In general, Bay Area women tend to be well educated, good looking, concerned about health and fitness, and conscious about fashion and style. But sophisticated, stylish, world-class, women genuinely want true love and an honest connection with a compatible mate. They don’t have the patience for the ridicule of a “quitter” and are not looking to be some older guy’s trophy wife.

Essentially, older men who seek a young, trophy wife fear they have settled for less in life than they could have achieved and feel their youth slipping away. They are trying to recapture a time that is going, going, gone. For these men, looking at older women close to their own age, is mirroring something they don’t like in themselves. The end of their life is getting near and it terrifies them that they may be losing their virility with age. They want a younger, hot, woman regardless of intellectual compatibility in order to feel young and hot themselves. They are willing to risk a “gold digger” just for the opportunity to be with her. But if these guys honestly think that a woman 30 years their junior, with super model good looks, loves them for their personality, they are very naïve to the laws of nature. Finding a true connection involves chemistry, yes, but also compatibility and commonality, and men who ignore this basic fact are setting themselves up for heart ache, disappointment and loneliness. These men may be super achievers in their professional lives but they are frustratingly under achievers in their personal lives.

For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com


May 16, 2009

Men want hot: Matchmaker case study

In my role as a matchmaker I have interviewed hundreds of women for my candidate pool. Many educated, career oriented and successful women who perceive themselves as a great catch wonder why they are still single. I have also interviewed hundreds of men and know that while men do want all of the above qualities, they also need to be sexually attracted to her. Men want hot. When men are considering dating a woman they are, by the definition of dating, thinking of her sexually. Sexy and smart are not in opposition to each other and the sooner women realize this the sooner they will find their guy. It doesn’t mean men will think she is a bimbo if he finds her hot. In fact nothing is more powerful to a man than a smart woman who is also sexy.

There is a misconception that women need to shed their femininity in order to be respected by men professionally. Men do want women who are intelligent, grounded and powerful, but in the romance department, they want to feel the urge to merge. Why do women feel they need to be like men in order to be valued and respected? Women are not men, and men love us not being men. It has been my experience that even the most feminist men -most enlightened men- still want a woman to be sexually attractive.

Women in their late 30s and 40s were raised during the women’s movement and grew up thinking that they needed to act like men to succeed. Their mothers were enlightened and didn’t want their daughters growing up with the same sexist stigmas and restrictions that put limits on their mothers. They were determined to let their daughters work in any field and do what ever she wanted-with out relying on a man. Their mothers taught them to wait for marriage and wait for children. “Get your education, see the world. Live your life. You are the prize, my dear, men are disposable”. But what was an essential part of our history for creating equality among the sexes, unfortunately also encouraged women to act like men to succeed. The women’s movement threw out the “baby with the bathwater”, so to speak. By imitating the masculine for acceptance, women even more so devalue the feminine. Many women who de -feminize themselves in their professions blur the line between work and romance.

I presented this concept to a woman I’ll call Ann, and her friend, Jeff, during coffee one day. As I sat with the two of them and discussed the social dynamic between women and men in their mid 30s and 40s, Jeff began smiling and nodding his head, “Yes, yes, yes. That is so true.” I looked at Ann’s face and it was the same face I always get when I discuss this with women in their 30s and 40s. It was a look of udder disbelief, betrayal and offence. “How sexist! Men really think that? Why should women be valued for their looks? Why should women be reduced to sex objects? Why do men like younger women? Why can’t they appreciate me for my intelligence?”

Ann was a 42-year-old accomplished businesswoman who graduated from MIT and went to grad school at Stanford. She was beautiful, fit, intelligent and grounded and had sadly come to the realization that she may never have children. She waited too long. She had been serially monogamous in three, 8-year relationships, but hadn’t felt the need to commit herself to marriage and children when she was younger. After all she was educated, had her own money and looks. She wasn’t ready to be straddled with kids in her 20s and 30s. However after each of these relationships soured, she realized that at 40 trying to find a husband to father her children was a whole different ballgame. The men were no longer treating her like they did 10 years earlier. It was easy to get a young guy to sleep with but they didn’t want a long-term relationship, and they certainly didn’t want to start having kids with a woman who was over 40.

Ann had been a platonic friend with Jeff for years. He was recently divorced and she capitalizes on his recent single hood, thinking, “Why not he and I? We are both attractive. We are friends. We connect intellectually. We should be an item”. He however, was thinking he wanted 10 years younger. He was looking for a playful, sexual woman who was open-minded and spontaneous. Men like youth for all of those reasons. “Ann is great.” He thought. “She is beautiful and smart, but… she is like a guy”. Ouch! Poor Ann. What has happened? -Such a terrible circumstance, and yet, so terribly common.

If Ann wanted a shot at Jeff she needed to understand that guys like Jeff have options, and guys like Jeff want Ms. Right, and Ms. Right isn’t, well… 40 years old still wanting to have kids. If Ann wants to land a guy like Jeff at age 40 she needs to understand that she is going to have to embrace her inner sex kitten while simultaneously knocking him out with her witty wisdom and vast experience. She needs to understand that, yes, men do value women for their looks and it doesn’t mean that he is reducing her to a sex object. Ann needs to understand that men are visual and not only appreciate women for their intelligence, but also their beauty and let’s face it, their body. Men want a woman who is powerful, intelligent, grounded and beautiful. They want all of those qualities. But they also want hot.

For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com


May 13, 2009

Waiting for Mr. Right: Case study from a matchmaker

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — admin @ 4:54 pm

Case Studies From A Matchmaker:

Mr. Right And The Power Shift

Michelle came to me when she was 33 to join my Candidate Pool with Perfect Search. My Matchmaking clients are serious about finding a long term relationship and successful enough to afford a service such as ours; Two things women care about. She under stood this. Michelle was a gorgeous woman and I was pleased to have her in our pool. She had a face like Michelle Pfeiffer, with big blue eyes, high cheekbones and long blond hair. Her waist was tiny and she had a beautiful figure. I would have no trouble finding a match for her, I thought. She would be a “piece of cake”. What I didn’t understand was that Michelle suffered from the Princess Syndrome and would actually become one of the saddest cases I have witnessed. Her own sense of entitlement came to be her down fall.

Princess Syndrome

In high school Michelle had been the prettiest girl in her graduating class. Guys pursued her relentlessly throughout her teens and 20s. She enjoyed the power she had over men and serially dated in her 20s leaving one guy for another, and another. She left each one for someone a little better, until at last, I introduced her to Edward, the man of her dreams. Edward had exceptional hazel eyes that looked almost turquoise in the sun. He was tall, dark, trim, handsome, and wealthy. He made his money in the hedge fund business in the early 1990s and expanded his wealth over the decades. Edward was a catch, and Michelle knew she wanted to marry him the first month they started dating. It wasn’t easy for Edward at first. After all, he had so many options. He was 42, handsome, rich, and available. Never married, he was waiting to be sure he found his perfect-10 before popping the question. Michelle was 33, from a nice family, and would be a great mother to his children. Bottom line, Michelle was hot. She could be his Mrs. Right. It took him 6 months to get the courage, but proposed to her on her 34th birthday.

Edward traveled frequently for work which became a problem. He tried traveling less once he became engaged, but his properties required his presence on a regular basis. One fateful trip, he left on a Friday for a four-day weekend in LA. He called Michelle once, upon his arrival, and once on Sunday, but not every day. Michelle was furious when he returned and admonished him, “Why didn’t you call me every night? How could you neglect me that way? No man has ever treated me so disrespectfully!”

Michelle had always been the princess, and she wasn’t going to allow any man to treat her otherwise. After all, she was the prize and if he wanted to marry her, then he better treat her as such. From Michelle’s perspective, Edward continued to under-appreciate her throughout the engagement: He spoke on his cell phone during dinner dates, failed to let her sit in the seat with the best view, looked at other beautiful women who were sitting at the next table and expected Michelle to drive to his neighborhood for dinner dates. He has no idea who he is dealing with, Michelle thought. She knew she was a catch, and Edward showed no signs that he realized it. Did he have any idea how many guys had wanted to marry her in the past? Didn’t he know how lucky he was that she had said yes to him? -Apparently, not. Edward tolerated the rants and tantrums for about a month after the LA trip, and then called off the wedding and moved on. Michelle was dumped. She lost her big fish.

What Michelle failed to realize was that the Power Shift phenomenon was in play. Edward was becoming more and more powerful in his late 30s. He was a catch, and he knew it. Women were lined up to date him. They were all trying to land him, and although Michelle was by far, the most beautiful, her sense of entitlement was frightening to him, and unacceptable. If she behaved like this now, Edward thought, what would marriage to her be like? She was a beautiful woman accustomed to adoration. She still thought she was entitled to worship from the men she took for granted in her 20s. Yet, as she progressed through her 30s guys weren’t putting up with her demands any more. She was no longer a young woman. She had become neurotic in her expectations, and constantly complaining. Never satisfied and always putting men down she ultimately emasculated men. Michelle was so used to men jumping through hoops for her, she thought of herself as the only prize, when in fact, Edward was a prize too. If Michelle had appreciated him in terms he understood and expected, she would have married her Mr. Right by her 35th birthday, and would now be well on the way toward creating her beautiful family.

Bigger Fish

After Edward, no one else could possibly measure up as far as Michelle was concerned. Some guys she dated were as successful as Edward, but not as handsome. Some were as handsome, but they were broke. Some were handsome and successful, but they were divorced with children. Michelle wanted her own guy. She was a great catch, and she felt she deserved a guy who hadn’t yet had a family. She wanted to be wife number-one-and-only. Michelle dated, and dated, and dated. All through her 30s, she continued her search for Mr. Right. When she found someone close, he would slip away, just like Edward, or she would dismiss him the minute he failed to treat her as the princess she thought herself to be. Michelle had become a Serial Dater searching for her Bigger Fish.

Serial Daters are women who keep saying “next” because there are so many options in their youth. The Serial Dater is not willing to forgive any flaws or to wait for mid-course corrections in a relationship. She may like a guy, but feels she can do better. “Quite frankly, I’m looking for a bigger fish.” No relationship sticks. She may have dated a guy with money in the past, and now no man compares unless he is super wealthy. She is still mooning over the one who rejected her, but the reality is, she may have been shooting too high. The wealthy guy is searching for his Grace Kelly and unless she can fit the bill she will find herself alone or have to trade in her goldfish dreams for a smaller, kinder, gentler fish, an angel fish, perhaps.

Waiting Too Long For Kids

Michelle’s 30s came drawing to a close and at 39 she still hadn’t found her guy. She felt a frantic sense of desperation. She was almost 40 and still childless. Her desperation was apparent to all men who dated her. Every date became a fertility interview. She appeared neurotic in her attempt to accelerate relationships beyond a natural pace. She was still breathtakingly beautiful, as she had maintained her figure and took care of her looks, but her age was beginning to show. She was trying to snag a man to father her children too late. She was competing with women 28 to 33 years old who had the luxury of a slow courtship, marriage for a few years, and then two or three kids before 40. Sadly, Michelle waited too long for kids and potential suitors sensed it. “This woman is too needy. She’ll have us married after the second date.” In short, she carried a neon sign that read: Single Woman Seeks Mr. Right to Father Brood Immediately. Powerful men won’t bother. Her chances were dwindling and she was panicked.

What was going on was that Michelle’s princess, sense of entitlement had become her own worst enemy. She waited too long for kids and didn’t give potentially, great-guys a chance. She would dismiss them heartlessly for the first dating mistake and was holding out Mr. Right. But what she didn’t understand was that Mr. Right had options. And Mr. Right wants Ms. Right, and Ms. Right isn’t 40 years old trying to have kids for the first time. If Michelle wanted to land her Mr. Right at age 40 she needed to understand that Mr. Right may have be right under her nose and that men in their 40s and 50s are the a prize too and she would have to jump through a few hoops of her own, and value him as such, if she wanted to be his Ms. Right.

For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com


Dating a divorced man: Matchmaker case study

Matchmaker Case Study:

Dating a Divorced Man And The Power Shift

Through out my career as a matchmaker I have come across many examples of the Power Shift dynamic. One client in particular, had been married for many years and was trying to date for the first time since his divorce. He had no idea how to date and needed my coaching. He was good looking but wore his heart on his sleeve, and talked about his past marriage on dates. The women weren’t having any of it, especially in a city like San Francisco where the women are professional daters. Like many men who are freshly divorced, Roger had no filter or social skills that would help him get a second date with a great woman. The women he met were chewing him up and spitting him out. They would exclaim, “Next!” at the first faux pas Roger made. And he made a lot.

Roger was a great guy. He was deep, sensitive and emotionally available. His financial success, and tall, dark, handsome, looks only added to his appeal and charm. The only problem was, he had no experience dating. He had been married most of this life and didn’t know the rules and subtleties needed. In dating, it easy to dismiss each other the first time one does something wrong. It can take several dates to see the real guy behind the gaffs. I knew that Roger was a diamond in the rough and would need a lot of coaching if I was going to find a successful match for him.

Roger wanted a woman who was youthful, fun, and exciting. He wanted a woman who valued him and appreciated his power, but also wanted a woman who was powerful herself. He wanted a woman who was grounded and intelligent and with whom he could communicate as a friend. In short, Roger wanted an emotionally mature woman who looked and acted like a younger woman. He wanted someone that all men in their 40s and 50s want. He wanted a queen. He wanted Grace Kelly.

I presented Melissa to Roger for a prospective match. She was beautiful, optimistic, open minded, fun and adventurous. She was career driven but also had a creative and artistic side. They were both raised with alternative, hippie parents who allowed them to express themselves freely but were ambitious and success minded. She was a perfect fit for Roger but they had a problem: Melissa was too old. Even though Roger was 47 he set his mind on a woman between 28 to 33. Melissa was 39. He also didn’t want a woman with kids, or pets and he liked blue-eyed, blonds and wanted someone who was at least 5’8”. Superficially, Melissa was nowhere near being Roger’s dream-girl. She was 5’ 5”, slim-hipped, brown-eyed, and a brunette. She had a teenager, two cats, and a dog. On the surface, it didn’t look good, but I knew that if I could just guide these two through the initial stages of the relationship they would make a perfect couple.

The attraction was instant the first time Roger met Melissa. Sparks flew. The chemistry was definitely there for both of them and they were excited about the prospect of their relationship. However, women are emotional creatures and can fall in love fast and hard whereas for many men, true love happens as a slow burn. Roger was especially slow. The first three months of their relationship was a struggle for Melissa because she was ready for a commitment way before he was. Although Roger really liked her he wanted to continue to date other women. He didn’t feel he was quite ready to jump right back into a relationship after such a long marriage and declared he and Melissa as “open.”

During those first three months of courtship, Melissa was his favorite girl, but he loved his newfound power in the dating scene. He was taking all those coaching tips I’d given him and exercising his power with waitresses, hostesses, store clerks, and any cute young thing that batted her eyelashes at him. It was tough to sit back and let him wander knowing how much Melissa liked him but I didn’t say a word. I knew that it was in their best interest for Melissa to be cool and to let him play out his freedom. It would buy her time. Roger needed to fall in love with her at a man’s pace, and by pressuring him too soon, it would kill the seedlings of their developing relationship.

Besides, she was busy too. She had lots of things going on. Or, at least, that is how I instructed her to act. From personal and professional experience, I know that men want women who are ever so slightly unavailable. A woman has to create a slight chase for a man to be interested. She has to project a mysterious edge that keeps him guessing. Melissa may have suffered with jealousy but he never heard a peep from her.

Delayed Monogamy

Many women feel a relationship should become monogamous the second they become intimate with someone. This is unrealistic. If the guy has been single for quite some time he will, most likely, have several irons in the fire. He will not immediately pull them all out. The longer he’s been single, the more he’s become accustomed to being in “hunting mode,” and the longer it will take him to get out of it. He will be so used to looking at every woman as an option that it will be hard to stop suddenly, even if he finds his dream girl. She should give him three months of intimacy before requesting monogamy, and give him a year of intimacy before expecting him to lose his “hunting mode” altogether. I instructed Melissa to lie in the grass and keep her cool for three months until she was certain that Roger was sufficiently hooked on her, and then she put her foot down. “There will be no other women,” she said
“Okay,”

Roger agreed without so much as a question because he was ready by then. He had had the opportunity to explore his options while simultaneously dating Melissa, and so he was able to compare her to others and appreciate what he had in her. He was also able to phase out the other women in his Rolodex slowly. When he and Melissa first started dating he was already midstream with other women and to have expected him to cut all past ties the minute he started dating her would have been unrealistic.

Gum on a July Sidewalk

In so many ways, just as hard as it is to get a relationship to stick, it is also hard to peel one away once it is stuck. Roger was still in mourning over the loss of his twenty-year marriage and the break-up of his family that included kids. I knew from experience that Roger was going to have a hard time cutting the ties to the ex wife that had been his life for 20 years. Trying to break up is like pulling gum off a hot July sidewalk. It takes time and can be very frustrating for those trying to date them. His ex may haunt the new relationship and he may act cold and ambivalent when he misses her. Roger’s relationship to his ex-wife was long, involved, and complex. Since the divorce was still fresh, he often got swept up in the sadness every time he went to see his kids. In this situation it was important for Melissa to be patient. Time heals wounds, and people move on. To have unrealistic expectations that a great guy will have no past is self-sabotaging. Over time, the threads of the “gum” become thinner and thinner until eventually, the strands snap. Melissa would have to understand this dynamic and not put undue pressure on him to cut ties to his past relationship if she wanted to keep him. Love is a process, not an event. And successful love requires compromise.

Compromise

Like a lot of young men, Roger had been powerless when he was in his early 20’s. He was a pimply-face, lanky teenager who was delayed in his sexual maturity and all through his 20’s couldn’t get a date. Cheerleaders rolled their eyes at him, and he would drop to their feet hoping for a glance or a smile. After college he met his wife, the first beautiful woman to pay attention to him. He married her thinking it would be his last. Although he had been married for twenty years, he was still immature. When I first met him, he was enamored with Howard Stern humor and acted, in many ways like an adolescent when it came to women.

Melissa, on the other hand, had been a hottie in high school and had guys clamoring for her attention. In her 20s, she could virtually get any guy she wanted. Like most attractive women in their 20s, she had all the power. By the time she turned 39, she had had plenty of dating experience and was mature in her understanding of men and sex and relationships. She had had three long-term relationships during her 20s and 30s while Roger had just had one.

Because Roger and Melissa were at different stages when it came to dating savvy it would take compromise, patience and understanding if they were going to get through the initial stages of their relationship. Roger and Melissa came from two completely different frames of reference. To expect their paths to be identical would have been unrealistic. It would have been easy for her to dismiss him the first time he said something stupid, but I coached Melissa to be open-minded and let their relationship develop slowly. Compromise means meeting half way. People do change over time. If a good man does a bad thing at the beginning, it doesn’t mean he can’t learn from his mistake be Mr. Right in the future. When men are in love they will go the distance to adjust for her and accommodate her wishes

Melissa didn’t run for the hills, like so many women did in Roger’s early post-marriage dates. She could have dismissed him unjustly and said, “Next!” just like they did. But she had some insider information from me. I assured her that Roger genuinely didn’t know any better. He was clueless, but he was a great guy who was also confused about starting a new relationship. Roger and Melissa have progressed from dating, to love, to marriage. Roger is a good man, and he is worth keeping. He is honorable, sensitive, sincere, and genuinely, a kind person. Melissa had to jump through a few hoops to reel him in but she understood that in order to get a good man, and keep him, she would have to understand the Power Shift phenomenon. She would have to understand that she is not the only prize in the relationship. Roger is a prize, too. And since she wanted to keep him, she had to make sure that he feels like a prize every day.

For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com


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