
The Urban Cougar is the older woman who seduces younger men for pleasure. Unlike Mrs. Robinson, however, the Cougar is single. She’s hot, sexy, smart, confident, successful, and powerful. Moreover, she has a trail of guys following her around who will just about give their eyeteeth for a roll in the hay with her.
In fact, her profile sounds a lot like men in their mid-30 and 40’s. The Cougar is independent and has options. In short, she doesn’t need a man. She either has kids already, or has made the decision not to have any. Her motivation for hooking a man is just about as low theirs is for hooking a woman: Conquests. But the Cougar is not a man. In her heart, she’s a girl, and like most of us, she knows that if the right guy comes along… As soon as that happens, even the Cougar is susceptible to the power shift phenomenon. However, when the Cougar wants to convert Mr. Good-Enough into Mr. Right, the Cougar may be even less equipped to deal with the power shift than other women discussed.
If she becomes needy, clingy, and desperate for this fling to become something real, the Cougar will start referencing her old rule book, the one that worked for her in her 20s, and guess what? Her guy will run for the hills. However, unlike the non-cougar women, who may have hinted that some of this man-hunting behavior was sure to crop up, the Cougar has presented herself to the world, and to her guy, as if all these “girlie” dating practices are beneath her. Her guy will be far more shocked than if he was dating a princess from the start. He won’t just run for the hills. He will sprint. And he won’t ever look back. No second chances.
The Cougar must be even smarter than her girlfriends when she discovers that Mr. Good-Enough is actually Mr. Right. The Cougar knows that her guy wants her because she’s hot. He also wants her because she’s essentially unavailable. Her guy has a no-strings attached pass for hot sex with an amazing woman, and for most guys, that’s just about as good as it gets. Until she falls in love. When the Cougar discovers that Mr. Good-Enough is Mr. Right, she has to give him time to fall in love on his own terms. That means that the Cougar has to sit tight, hold her breath and be cool. More than that, she has to continue to be the woman her guy was attracted to in the first place. Men can move at the speed of glaciers when it comes to realizing that they’ve met the one. A man in love will do all kinds of things he said he would never do. A man in lust will move on. For her guy to change his vision of his life and commit to her, an older woman, he’ll have to be in love and fully attached. This takes time. She’ll have to be her oh-so-cool kitty and stay in stealth mode about her feelings for a lot longer than feels comfortable. Landing her guy will take time and patience, lots of patience.
If Cougar is developing real feelings for her guy she will need to take stock of him and set her expectations accordingly.
• Is he recently divorced?
• Is he terminally single?
• Is she just one of many?
• Is she his quick relief when he finally tears away from work?
Recently divorced men who have spun out of a marriage and haven’t had any dating experience don’t know how to date. They will say the wrong things and essentially have no clue about the rules. Put them in the Cougars’s cage with a 40-year-old woman who has been serially dating for the past 10 years and he will get eaten alive. He is unprepared for the emotions, and will escape as fast as he can.
The terminally single guy presents a special case. For one reason or another, his vision doesn’t include a Mrs. Right, and it never has. Ms. Cougar, will need to know from the start that this guy may never be hers. She needs to set a time limit. Make it a generous one, like a year. Then she needs to sit back and observe his behavior.
• Is he consistently moving toward the relationship or darting in and out?
• Is he progressively incorporating her into more and more aspects of his life?
• Is he asking for more of her time?
• Is he surprising her with gifts, or flowers?
If the answer to all of these questions is yes, then she may have converted the previously un-convertible guy because, deep down, he knows that she is the one for him. If, however, the answer to any of these questions is no, then, she may very well be wasting her time. So, chin up. Have fun. And, by all means, keep all options open. He’s not the one for her.
Likewise, if her guy is married to his work, he has a plan “A” and that doesn’t include a Mrs. Right-Now. By the time he’s ready, she might be a lot older. Men think nothing of dedicating ten or more years of their lives to their work. For some of these men, they manage work and love concurrently, but often at great sacrifice of the love. And Cougar already knows, from experience, that she has no interest in being Mrs. Keep-the-Home-Fires-Burning while her man is off building the empire. If she did, she wouldn’t be a Cougar in the first place. Never be a plan “B”. Be a plan “A” and until she finds it, she should remember the Cougar Mantra: Have fun. And when the fun stops, move on. Grrrr!
Stumble it!
